Tater tots & unsettling thoughts.

It happened again. That unsettling feeling. There I was, minding my own business. Eating some tater tots. Listening to people groan about monotonous details. And it hit me. It does this. 

I was daydreaming of leaving. Or getting up from the table, leaving them behind and finding a new adventure. In this city. Somewhere new. Moving. Packing up. Saying "see ya later Cincy, I'm going on vacation." 

Then in that same moment, my mind switched. What am I doing here? Why do I hang out in these settings? Are we actually having fun? Am I living? I've been out of college for over a year now and have no "big girl job". Should I leave? Should I just live with my parents forever? That's what people used to do... Live with their families, not separating. Do I actually need to live on my own right now? I think people do that to mature and figure out who they are. What do you do when you're 23 and know who you are? But don't know what the next move is? 

I get so frustrated with myself. I know my mother does too. I get to overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time. I know that I have the potential to do whatever the hell I want. I've had some experience, I've dabbled, but what's my next career move? What am I going to do? I don't care about making a ton of money. Ideally, I don't want some 9-5 desk job either. I'm too creative. Too restless. Too much of an idealist. Yes, that's what I am. An idealist. I have these thoughts and dreams and aspirations. But I have little motivation. I have little to work for or towards. I sound like such a millennial. Dang it. Who am I kidding? We're all trying to "live". But what is living? Is it just the simple act of breathing? Or is there some checklist that we're suppose to be completing? I admit that sometimes I hear about others' lives my age and think about what I'm doing. Or what I'm not doing. But I also know that I am my own person, and will not compare myself to others. 

This world is strange. So many contradictions and prearrangements. So many unspoken rules and ideals. 

I don't know what to do. I'm back at square one. Just like I was before college, trying to pick my major. (My dear friend Matt & I were just talking about this.) Well, now I have two degrees and not a lot to show for it. I don't discount my education. I don't discount my experiences. I've interned places and networked. But here I am. Working part-time. Freelancing here and there. And that's okay, I think? 

Am I a writer? A photographer? A publicist? A stylist? A social media strategist? A promoter? A saleswoman? A singer? 

I need guidance again. Or a sign. Or some sort of proper motivation. I need to get my mojo back. Everyone knows it. 

Maybe I need a change of scenery. But each time I leave Cincinnati, I come back loving her even more. It's a shame, really, how much I love her. 

Just as I wrote that, I pictured myself being a novelist. I pictured myself as Fitzgerald. Maybe that's what I should do. Write. 

For now, I sleep. 

Being Original Is Breathtaking.

I have this unsettling feeling. This sinking, kind of sick-at-my stomach feeling. It comes in waves, this feeling. 

I know that I am like no one else. My name, my hair, my laugh, my humor, my taste, it's all me. It's all unique. And I love that. But it's also quite lonesome and sometimes overwhelming.

I fear things. I fear that people aren't like me. That I am alone. And this becomes more evident with my track record of being 23 and never having been on a date, held hands, kissed, had a boyfriend, or any sort of intimacy with a man. 

I've came to the conclusion that I'm just so different. It's such a strange feeling. Knowing that my mind and my thought pattern is not like that of anyone I know. There are a select few who grasp my wit and sequence of thoughts, but there are those who look at me like I'm some sort of alien. And in a twisted way, I love that. I strive for that. I yearn for the chance to be different. To turn a head. Ya know?

Being original is breathtaking. It's refreshing. Being yourself.

There is a certain refreshing-ness about someone who is completely genuine. They are who they are, and have no reservations about what they like and what they don't. Trends aren't how they stay current. Popular culture plays little effect.

I came to the conclusion a long while ago that I honestly didn't care what others thought of me. Within reason. I am who I am. Labels do not define me. Society does not get the opportunity to make fun of me or tie me down. I have my own thoughts and feelings. My own emotions. My own likes and dislikes. 

As I become older, I can feel it more and more. This self love that I have. It envelopes me all the time. I am awesome. And I'm not conceited. I'm not cocky. Quite the opposite. I actually blush at any slight compliment or nice comment. I just laugh and smile. I'm terrible with it. Trust me. Try it. But with time, I have learned to love every ounce of myself. Inside and out. 

I am different, I am strange. I am unique, I am human. I am woman, hear me roar. Cliches and all. 

From my thick waist, to my long hair. My pouty bottom lip, my crooked teeth. My big feet, my loud mouth. My wide array of interests, my record collection. It's all what makes me who I am. And I am so thankful for it. 

I catch myself having two very different images of myself. One where I am some schmuck trying to get by in life, while looking and acting a complete fool. The other, a confident woman who knows who she is and what she wants. I chose to accept the latter. 

Life is difficult sometimes. Catching my reflection in a store window, seeing my larger frame. I've learned to embrace it. I've learned to understand each curve and wrinkle. I know that the mall is not my favorite place. I know that I'd rather pilfer through boxes of silk blouses at a yard sale, or flip through racks of high waisted skirts at the thrift stores. That's who I am. 

Love is difficult sometimes. I wind up in these vastly romantic scenarios when I'm by myself, or with a group of coupled off friends. It's awkward and lonely, but it's life. I've accepted it. I'm good at being single. I am able to go where I want and enjoy my life. My choices, my time, and I don't have to compromise. But sometimes I wish I had to compromise. Cooperate, rather. Having a romantic plus one would be nice. Being able to belt the lyrics to my favorite song at a show with a guy of my own would be rad. But hey, I do it on my own. And that's nice too. Being a realist and a hopeless romantic is quite the task. But I do it. And I own it. 

Work is difficult. So much pressure to be "successful," this subjective term. A world where degrees matter and money rules. And I'm just looking for happiness and enjoying the simple things in life. Whether that be listed on a career page, or right here in the comfort of my own home. Who knows. 

And that's what is so stellar. There doesn't need to be just black or white. (Like I said, cliches and all). I've learned that imperfections are abundant and common. Perfection is rare and kind of nonexistent. Quirks and jerks are all around us. Trust me. I choose to embrace this life. Love the skin that I'm in. Embark on each day as if it were a new journey, a time to celebrate and create. 

Who am I to judge another? I have always considered myself to be that of an open-minded person. To each their own. Sometimes there are more important things in life than to look to the world for validation. We're each given the opportunity to live and to love and to laugh. Do it. Press play, and embrace life for what it is. Revel in your one-of-a-kind-ness. For you are the only you in the entire planet. Dig that. I do. <3

How To Dress Confidently

I was once given an assignment to write on "How To Dress Yourself Thin." What really is "thin"? Is it a physical appearance, a state of mind, or some sort of measurement? Thin is subjective. Each person has their own opinion of what thin means. Don't dress to be thin, dress to be confident. 

I am no fashion expert, I wear what I like -- granted, I'm aware of the trends -- but I also am aware that a lot of trends may not fit my curves. Here are 10 tricks to keep in mind while trying to dress yourself confidently.

1. Wear what you like
   Don't worry about the latest trends, confidence is always in season. "Fashion fades, only style remains the same." -Coco Chanel
   
   
2. Don't compare yourself to othersThigh gaps and muffin tops: we're all human. One size does NOT fit all. Do not size up yourself to someone else, pun intended. Everyone has a flaw, everyone is beautiful in their own way.
   
   
3. Dress your body, not a mannequin's
   Humans aren't Barbie dolls, there are curves and imperfections involved, embrace them. Wear clothes that fit your body, your skin, your curves, your imperfections. Do not try to wear something because of a number. Don't let the size on the tag detour you from getting clothes that look great on you.
   
4. Know what colors and materials you like
   Not a fan of pink with your skin tone? Then don't wear it. Hues of colors help to make your facial features pop, or help draw attention to certain areas, be aware of that. Understand what materials fall well on your body, avoid materials that are too clingy and uncomfortable.
   
   
   
5. Collect staple items
   Signature pieces are a must. Denim and leather can go a long way. Every woman needs a great black dress for any occasion, but don't forget about a great pair of jeans. A good wardrobe contains an outfit suitable for a wedding, a funeral, a job interview, a casual day off, a night out-on-the-town ensemble, a great bathing suit, and a few other great pieces that will work for other various occasions . Incorporate signature items such as a great blazer with a fun top and a pair of staple jeans.
   
   
   
6. Take chances/express yourself
   Style is a form of expression, let your clothes express who you are and what you like. Don’t be afraid to take chances with your wardrobe. Remember that your clothes give off a first impression and help to convey who you are before you even speak.
   
    
   
7. Layers can be your best friend and your worst enemy
   Light layers are always favorable. But don't let your natural shape get too lost under copious amounts of fabric. Know your layering limits. It takes practice.
   
   
   
8. Accessorize accordingly
   Accessories are meant to compliment an outfit, do not let them distract from your beauty and your outfit. Less is often times more. There's a great motto about removing one accessory before leaving the house, just to make sure there's not too much going on with the look.
   
   
9. Highlight your assets
   What's your favorite feature about yourself? Highlight that. Understand that hemlines help to accentuate areas of the body. A great high-waisted garment can help draw attention to the waist, as do cinched waistlines and high-belted items. A great pencil skirt that hits you right above or below the knees will help to accentuate the thinnest part of your legs. If you're wanting to accentuate your breasts, choose a scoop-neck or v-neck cut, the eye will be drawn to your breasts, also helping to draw the eye to your waistline, giving the illusion of an hourglass figure.
   
   
10. Smile
    Reality television and fashion magazines tell us to be thin. But haven't you heard? You're a babe no matter what shape or size. When you feel good, you'll look even better and exude a charisma that people will swoon over. Try it! Don't squeeze into clothes that don't fit. It's tiresome and uncomfortable. Save the pain for the great shoes you'll be rocking.
    
    

It took me years to figure all of this out. I've always had my own unique style, pulling pieces from my grandma's closet and pairing them with my own modern pieces to create an interesting combination. (Yes, I had an Avril phase, you know, the whole men's tie phase? Yep, I did that. Man, middle school).  I remember the days of trying to look as cute as my "thin" friends, in their Soffe shorts.  I used to peruse the mall for hip clothes that would fit my body. Then, alas, I realized that my tall, curvy frame wasn't easy to shop for off the mannequins. That's when I stopped obsessing over trends.

Pay attention to what you like and what looks good on you, then the rest will fall into place! Style is what you make it. Embrace it. 

Unpublished: Dreamland

In the stillness of it all, I wonder. 

In the blackness of it all, I ponder. 

Enveloped in the quiet. 

Lights of cars creeping in. 

I lay here. 

Paralyzed. 

Restless.

Weary.

Relaxed. 

Eyes become heavy. Lids close. The music continues to play. Lyrics dancing in my mind. To do lists being written. It's hard to turn it off. The mind continues to wonder, to ponder. 

When the shapes begin to shift behind our lids, we slip away. Even for a moment. To a place much more simple than this. Or be it much more intricate than this. It's different, and that's what matters. 

Filled with endless possibilities, familiar faces and shadows of the unknown, we dream. We believe. We feel. We see. We think. We know. 

Those moments are pure. They're our sub-conscience coming to life. Our hopes, our aspirations. Or emotions, our memories. Stored away, ready to come out and play. 

Revel in them. Enjoy them. Hold on to them. For these moments are fleeting. For these moments are scarce. 

Drift away. Steal away. Allow yourself the simplicity of sleeping. Fall into your sub-conscience. Sweet dreams.  

Unpublished: What We Were

I was your window. Your tiny window. The time spent between her. The adventure out into the real world. Your escape. Look through my glass.

I was your confidant. Your listening ear. Your fortune teller. Your ego boost. Your shoulder. Your journal. Write on my pages. 

I was your speakers. Crescendo-ing and decrescendo-ing. Your noise. Your muse. Your soothing sounds. Your accompaniment. Let me sing. 

Unpublished: Less Than A Month

It lasted less than a month, you and I. Whatever we were. In an attempt to rid myself of feelings for another, I went searching. But I wasn't searching for you. You were like the prize in the cereal box of my childhood memories. There, a surprise, something that I had been made aware of, but was hesitant to get my hopes up.

It happened in mere hours, this new relationship. Platonic or romantic, that was left to be discovered. We chatted for hours. Life, hobbies, music, etc. The time seemed to fly by. Daily exchanges of good night and good morning texts.

It happened once, us meeting. I remember that it wasn't weird. Two strangers talking for hours, exchanging inside jokes as if we'd been friends forever. You swirled your water as if it were wine. Had I made you nervous? Swapping stories of families and embarrassing moments, the time came to part ways.

It happened in a span of a few weeks. We began to fall into a routine of our own. Witty banter and sarcastic jabs. Gifs and emojis. It almost happened effortlessly. Like two people whom were comfortable in their ways.

It happened in an instant. The night you told me. Told me about her. My heart sank into my chest, but I wasn't quite sure why. We had no real ties to one another. You weren't mine. I wasn't yours. I even thought you liked me more than I you. I was convinced that I had no romantic feelings for you. But as I told you, "Feelings occur. Shit happens. It'll be fine." All at once I was immersed into a variety of feelings. Maybe it was the melancholy soundtrack that accompanied the moment that led me to such emotions, but they were there and they were relevant. And even now, I'm confused. I swore you liked me. I think I was beginning to like you. And while yes, just shy of a month is a very small amount of time, but you understood how much of a romantic I am. You were beginning to get my weird sense of humor, and I yours.

It's occurring now. As I type. This weird sense of sorrow. It shouldn't have caused this much pain. This much wallowing. But maybe that's just it. Maybe I'm not wallowing about you. Maybe I was searching for a reason to wallow. To feel self pity and shame, embarrassment rather. I needed a cleansing cry. A moment to get in-touch with my feelings and be vulnerable.

Thank you for that.
Thank you for sharing with me that little bit of time.
Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable.
Thank you & farewell.

A Series Of Unpublished Posts

In an effort to try to get back in the writing game, I will be posting writings that I've had saved for a while. The posts will be called "Unpublished," depicting past emotions or ramblings that I never published on here before. Enjoy some older writing of mine, and let me know your thoughts.

xoxo
-Coco

23 Lessons Learned in 23 Years.

23 Lessons Learned in 23 Years.

(Cliches & Mantras Used By Yours Truly)

Seeing as I turned 23 this past weekend, it felt only natural to share a list of 23 lessons that I've learned over the past 23 years of life.

...

1. Be yourself. Love yourself. 
   Fall in love with yourself, your quirks, your guilty pleasures. Embrace them. People will either like you, or they won't, don't worry about it. If you love yourself, others will take note.
2. Surround yourself with people who will help bring out the best in you, and you the best in them. 
   Life is too short to deal with negativity from your friend circle. Surround yourself with cool cats who appreciate you and your likes, people who won't judge you or make you feel guilty. Hang out with folks who you can relax with, and they'll be able to open up to you -- it'll feel natural and effortless. Enjoy that.
3. Life is a bitch. Use precaution, and go forth. 
   I wish I could say that life is peachy keene, jelly bean, but I'd be mistaken. Life is hard. No one said it wouldn't be. But the rumors are true, if you remain positive, and put things in perspective, you'll survive. Good luck.
4. Collect moments, not things. 
   I'm all about the moments. Realize that you are living -- right now. Don't worry too much about tomorrow, or five years from now, live for today. Enjoy the little things in life, it'll make all the difference.
5. Decide what to be and go be it. 
   Yes, The Avett Brothers may have sang this, but I believe it. Be passionate in all that you do. Don't let others tell you that you can't accomplish your goals. Work for what you want, be confident in your choices.
6. Music is there for you no matter what. 
   Music is my religion. Maybe yours is people, or sports, or something else. Find out what it is that truly makes you happy and helps you feel understood. Music is there for me, it helps to be the soundtrack for my life each and everyday.
7. People will come and go from your life. It's natural. 
   You will lose people in your life. Whether it's from a passing, or just a falling-out, it'll happen. You'll mourn the loss, you'll miss them, but you'll move on. Remember the good times you were able to share with them, try not to hang onto any ill feelings about them.
8. Dating, much like most things in life, makes zero sense.
   There's no formula for love, or life, for that matter. Dating applications can only help so much. Embrace the idea of getting to know someone. Their likes, dislikes, their family, real aspects of them. It may work out, it may not. Recognize when you have a real connection with someone, and try to hold onto that.
9. Writing helps sooth the soul. 
   Even if you're not a writer, sometimes it just takes getting the words out on paper to help you through something. Write a letter to your ex about how you feel, you don't have to give it to them. Journal about that family issue, it'll help to relieve the stress. Jot something down on a napkin just to get it out. For me, blogging and journaling help me release built-up emotion. Get it out, you'll feel better.
10. Fashion fades, style remains. Wear what you want. 
    Who cares what the latest fashion trends are. Wear what you feel good in. Pull pieces from your grandmothers wardrobe, piece them with your own finds, it'll be different, it'll be your own. If you want to wear that hat, or that jacket, or that skirt -- go for it! Everyone has their own style, showcase it.
11. Communication is key. 
    No matter the relationship -- professional, platonic, romantic -- communication is necessary. Emails, texts, snapchats, those are great, but don't forget about the simplicity and pure communication of a face-to-face conversation. Express how you're feeling, let people know when you're confused, it'll help the relationship.
12. Time flies when you don't give a shit. 
    Take each day as a new opportunity. Don't stress too much. Don't over-plan. Go with the flow, chill out and take a deep breath. You'll feel more relaxed and have time for yourself and your interests.
13. Feelings occur, shit happens, I'll be fine. All feelings are valid. 
    This is something I've more recently adopted into my mantras. No matter how you're feeling, it is valid. Do not let someone tell you otherwise. You may fall for someone, they may fall for someone else, you'll be crushed, but you'll move on. Feelings don't always fade overnight. This one can be a harder lesson to learn.
14. C'est la vie… or something like that.
    Seize the day. Have fun. Chill out. Sing at the top of your lungs. Dance in public. Talk to that cutie at the bar. If you really like those shoes, buy them. Binge watch Netflix. Do what you want.
15. Never change yourself for someone else.
    Embrace your individuality. Do not adapt yourself to fit the stereotype of what you think society wants you to be. We're all different. When in a relationship, remain true to yourself. Do not pretend to like something because you think they'll like you more. Don't starve yourself for someone else. If you want to change, do it on your own terms, for your own betterment. Do not let a romantic partner change you -- remember your friends, family, career, goals, hobbies, etc.
16. The really great moments are when the world winks in your direction.
    You may be thinking the universe is against you, and just like that, something really great will happen. Maybe you go down a pant size, maybe that job opportunity finally arrived, maybe that cute barista gave you a free drink, whatever it may be -- enjoy it. Life will serve you some hard times, be aware of the tokens of awesomeness that come your way too!
    
17. Be honest. Say what's on your mind. 
    A very recent thing for me. I'm all about the honesty. I went 22 years being nice, not saying everything that was on my mind, not admitting my feelings for someone -- then, one day, something changed -- I decided to be real. I will now go up to the cute guy in the corner and tell him that I like his style, because, why not? I will text you randomly telling you my appreciation for you as a friend. I will let you know how I feel about your new boo. I will also know when to keep my mouth shut, as to not hurt any one's feelings or as to not get myself into too much trouble. There is a fine balance here.
18. Embrace your natural beauty. 
    I have big, wavy, frizzy hair. It took years for me to embrace that. I wanted short, straight hair. Now, my hair is how people find me in a crowd, and I'm okay with that. It doesn't matter if you're 4'11", or 6'2", you're a babe. It doesn't matter if your a size 2 or a size 22, you're a babe. Embrace your look, master your look, love your look. Freckles, glasses, large feet -- whatever it may be, you make that shit look good!
19. Originality is breathtaking. 
    Know who you are. Have your own ideas. Do not copy off of someone else to get attention. Like what you like, don't like what you don't. Posses a passion, share that passion with others, it'll make people swoon. Be original in thought, style, hobbies, etc. Don't cater to the idea of what you think others will think is "cool." Individuality is cool.
20. Family is there for you, no matter what. 
    At the end of the day, you know it's alright to veg out on the couch in your sweats with your family. They may get on your nerves from time to time. They may not be the coolest of cools, but they're your family. Extensions of who you are and where you came from. Learn to embrace that. They've got your back no matter what. Plus, they'll be there with the ice cream when you need to wallow. (Gilmore Girls, anyone?)
21. Coffee, much like pizza, is good no matter what the hour.
    I love pizza. Always have, always will. It's been one of my main food groups for as long as I can remember. I'm always prepared to eat pizza, without a doubt. Coffee, on the other hand, became an acquired taste. I always loved the smell, and when I got older, I was comforted by coffee shops. I don't care if it's 7:00a.m., 3:30p.m., or 4:00a.m. I can drink coffee whenever. The warmness soothes my soul, and helps me feel happy. Call me weird, I don't care. Sometimes I'll opt for the soy chai, but there's something so perfect about going to a diner at 3 in the morning, reflecting on the night out with your friends, and drinking copious amounts of coffee.
22. Take a step back. Recharge. 
    Whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, or somewhere in between. I find myself needing to recharge more and more these days. I love networking, being around people, and just socializing. But there are days or just brief moments where I need time to chill out, recharge, and be quiet for a bit. Give yourself some time to yourself, then get back to your day. This could be in the morning, when you need your coffee and newspaper. Or this could be a night where you go off the grid, and just need some time to yourself. It's important to not burn yourself out. Whether it's with a project at work, a relationship, or socializing. Take a moment to step back. Relax. Refresh. Recharge.
23. No one knows what the hell they're doing. We're human. 
    In today's day and age, it's easy to hop onto social media and see the endless amounts of posts about new jobs, engagements, etc. Do not compare yourself to others. Your successes are just as important as other people's successes. Remember that. We're all human, we all make mistakes. Who cares if your old pal moved to Europe and you're in your hometown. That's great for them, but aren't you happy too? Everyone is trying to figure out their next move, everyone puts on their pants one leg at a time. We're all confused when it comes to life. Fake it 'til you make it, if you have to. Just remember that you are the creator of your legacy. You make your own choices. Yes, there will be some bumps in the road on the journey of life, but that's expected. If you ask others about where they'll be in 5 years, more than likely, they'll also pause and not know. Go with it. Take it day by day. 

...

I'm no expert on life, trust me, but I've learned a thing or two, especially since post-grad. All we can do is put a smile on and go with the flow. Some lessons have to be taught again, some get adapted, but for the most part it's all about becoming your best self and enjoying your life. As I always say: live it, love it, caress it.