I may as well get this rant out of my system.
I think I'm cursed.
I know that I have developed this over analyzed, beautifully built-up image of what romance, friendships and people can be like -- I blame countless hours of reading John Green novels, or my admiration for John Hughes films. Whatever the case may be... I'm missing something. Most guys that I am friends with, it's cool... we're totally chill, we have similar interests; ie: music, movies, books, coffee, etc. These guys usually end up being gay, or they end up never talking to me again. I've said it once, I'll say it again... I'm cursed.
Let's take a little trip down memory lane. On several occasions, I have come in contact with these normal, casual guys. We're friends, it's totally chill. I think they're cool, they have good taste in music, and their thoughts seem educated and meaningful. Then all of a sudden, the texting stops. The Facebook chats stop. The random tweets stop (if they ever started). And there's barely any social interaction at all. What gives?
I'd like to think of myself as a pretty "normal" gal. Considering the philosophical question, of what really is normal? I was on homecoming court. I went to prom. I am 20 years old. I'm in college. Involved in a sorority. I have plenty of friends. I work with a local magazine and go to tons of events. I love music. I can take some mean photos, and I love social media. I'd like to think I'm normal. While I consider myself normal, I also am very unique. I don't drink, or smoke, and am not promiscuous. I like to read and write a lot. I go to more concerts than I should. And half of my wardrobe is from thrift stores, my grandma, or Goodwill. I often times contemplate the meaning of life, and over analyze situations. Sue me. I wear glasses with no lenses, and have really big, long, wavy hair. I laugh too loud, but it's always sincere. I am passionate. I'm genuine. I have values, and I stick to them. Does that make me different? Is that scary? Is it some sort of disease?
I have this theory that there's no way you can expect someone to love and understand you, if you can't love and understand yourself first.
It's taken me a while to really delve into this concept myself. I'm not saying I'm the dating guru I've actually never been on a date or had my first kiss, much less had an actual boyfriend. Shocking? I've been boy crazy for as long as I can remember... I remember chasing around the cutest boy in our kindergarten class on the playground. We'd play house, and he'd always be my husband. SCORE. As time went on, and boys caught up to my height, and then soon passed me up -- I often used the excuse that I was too busy for boys. (keep in mind I'm inching near six foot, and boys didn't hit their growth spirt until middle school). I was involved in basically every extracurricular and had a list of service hours a mile long. I didn't have time for petty relationships. As my gal pals would swoon over a new guy every few weeks in a vicious cycle, I would just sit by on the sidelines and watch. My friends would often date these guys, causing me to be a third wheel when we'd hang out. I'd get suckered into talking to the guys, kind of as a "wing girl." --Maybe I watch too much How I Met Your Mother. That's besides the point-- As my friends dated other guys, I'd end up being friends with the boys. They were cool, and the girls would get too caught up in trying to be in a relationship. With the labels and the love. They were focused too much on the idea of the romance, instead of actually experiencing it. They'd be head over heels in love with a guy, then they'd be on to the next one. I don't know if this is true at other high schools, but I always felt like everyone just recycled gf's and bf's at our school. Now, even in college it's rough. There's just so many people roaming the campus. We're all operating on different schedules and sleep patterns. Some of us stay on campus all day, while others have jobs to work, or families to take care of. With the use of social media, like facebook -- there really is no time to actually get to know someone.
I resent the simpler times, the era before internet. A time when we weren't consumed with social media, iPhones and YouTube. A time when you actually had to pick up the phone to see what your friend in another city was doing. Or better yet, when people wrote letters or sent postcards. Maybe that explains my admiration of postcards. There's something so simple and personal about a postcard. Yet, today, all we have to do is snap a photo and send it through the inter-webs. What happened to the times when people went out on dates? Two people were brought together over a cup of coffee -- not to instagram it -- but to actually enjoy the company of another human being. Things seemed so much more romantic a few decades ago. People actually had to communicate. In person. Weird! There was a time where two people had to have a conversation in order to find out their likes and interests. As we enter 2013, there is no need for a conversation. You can Google someone, and in about 10 seconds find out what they looks like, what they're listening to, and get a street view of their home. Creepy.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE social media. It's my life. I mean, I am going into public relations. But I do appreciate a good conversation. A moment. For a short period of time -- people conversating, paying attention and really feeling. Sitting in a room, surrounded by life, and still taking the time to really understand someone.
...Back to this curse that has been placed upon me. I have this ability to make really great guy friends, and even if it was never going to develop into anything, they just fall off the face of the earth. No contact. After weeks or even months of communication -- something happens. Who knows. I'm not complaining about the turn of events, but I've noticed the theme. We meet, we bond, we talk, it ends.
I warned you earlier that this was going to be girly. I'm sorry.
I've had 20 years of getting to know and love myself. I haven't had to depend on anyone else, I haven't been forced to chose between a hunky boyfriend and the location of my school. I've had me, myself and I this whole time. Although it gets lonely sometimes, it's empowering. I can enjoy life with various amounts of people, and still come home, curl up on the couch and read a book. I can go out with friends, meet new people, and live an exciting life. I'm young and intelligent. (I'm not bragging, I don't really like to talk myself up, trust me) To know that there are still women out there like myself who care about others, live life and still are able to stay true to themselves. It's refreshing. So often, the media and the everyday occurrences of the 21st century leads people to believe they should act like something their not. Ahem, Catfish, anyone? I don't care what the critics say, I like who I am. Someday someone else will too.
And so goes the title of the blog. One of my favorite novels as a high school teenager was The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and now, as it has been reincarnated into a film -- I still favor it. The movie is so moving, and relatable I balled my eyes out in appreciation. Every time. "We accept the love we think we deserve." It's so simple, yet so complex. If we think we're not good enough, we will settle for a love that is not good enough. If you live your life in the highest manner, then you will receive love in the highest manner.
Be you. Love yourself. And don't depend on anyone else to make you who you are.
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing... so, go live the adventure in love, loss and life.
