Here's the thing about relationships -- much like physics, politics and sports -- I don't understand them. Yes, I cannot learn from experience… well, because I'm lacking in that department. The department of love and relationships. Maybe not so much in love, for I know that love exists, and I know that I am too naive to feel this way just yet. I love my family, I love my friends, collectively. I am not close enough to most of them to actually love them, if that makes any sense. I cherish the word "love." It means too much to me to be thrown around in everyday language. I adore TONS of things and people. I love music, I share a connection with it, it warms my soul, the lyrics transcend into medicine when I'm sad, and continually helps to provide the soundtrack to my life.
I do fantasize about a prince charming who will whisk me away on his lawn mower, playing some sort of super-perfect song, thrusting his fist in the air, and then we'll skip through tall fields of grass, laying under a blanket of stars and confessing our deepest secrets. It's a compilation of some of my most vivid dreams and scenes from various rom coms. I can see all of these pieces of the puzzle falling into place, yet I have yet to figure out who my dream man will be. And I've learned to be very patient. I hold out hope that I'll see him on the street, brush into him at a concert, watch him walk into one of my favorite coffee shops, or perhaps he'll be at flipping through old blazers at the local Goodwill. It's untelling. My dreams tell me that this guy is in my life already, and we share a connection that cannot be undone.
And I know, I've wrote about this countless times before. But seriously, I'm constantly learning about life, love and all those other lessons that life hands us along the way.
In recent events, I've been submerged into an immensely chill vibe. Like, completely chill. Almost to the point where I cannot concentrate on the various events happening around me. I am longing for breaks in my day where I can casually write as I please, and warm my soul with music and chai tea. I know I'm growing up, and maybe that has brought on this sudden change of mood. I also know am aware that I am not depressed by any means. Yet, when I try to describe this feeling of "autopilot," I sound dramatic and somewhat delusional. That's not how it is. Not at all. Let me try to put it into words...
As the day dwells on, I can feel the moments passing me by. Slowly and reluctantly, I see images speed past me, people moving and living their everyday lives; while I sit (feeling as though I am) frozen in time. This is not my declaration of depression. I don’t think that’s my issue. I think it’s a touch of senioritis, homesick-ness, allergies and a dash of the love bug. I can feel my prioritizing getting tossed to the way-side. Projects that should take me a mere hour or two drag on for days. I can’t concentrate, sleep sounds splendid throughout the day, and then once I get home, I lack the desire to shut my lids. Welcome to college?
I have been set to autopilot – simply drifting by, not actually living in the moments -- something I pride myself in. I’m all about the moments! Yet, here I sit, when I should be working, I blog. All I want to do is curl up under my warm blankets, stare at the ceiling fan, drink warm tea, get lost in a trance of superb tunes, and write. Ideally, I’d like to pause life around me – take a small break for myself, and scratch off some of the items on my to-do list. But no, I do not have time for that. I barely have time to eat lunch. This is sad. But this is life.
I envy the students who have ample amounts of time to spend watching Netflix, or who can take a stroll through the park. Even during my times of unscheduled activities, a meeting pops up, an assignment has to get done, and it’s on to the next task. I need some motivation. I find myself daydreaming all too often. Doodling during class, planning for days down the road. With songs constantly playing in my mind, I hum tunes to songs I've never heard of. Images of past events drift into my imagination. I’ve got it bad – Usher was right.
And now, now that I am on a break from classes, I have been able to enjoy some of my hobbies that I used to revel in -- reading, writing, taking photos, painting, and simply soaking up the moments of being around my family. Too often I toss these simple pleasure to the wayside, trying to make way for things that I've tried to make more important. But that's not fair. I must stop and smell the flowers, soak in the moments and embrace life. And all those other cliches.
As my "lasts" of college begin, I can feel myself separating myself from college, lunging forward into "real world" or "adult life." I am in an awkward limbo of embracing and living in the moments of college, all while preparing myself for graduation and a career. This is life, and this is where I am. There's nothing wrong with this balance, it's just a little more than what I'm used to. I'm taking on the ideas of life, moving, boys, various internships, work, school, and my involvement on and off campus. The daydreaming swells all the while. Longing to be apart of a "we," and not making time to appreciate the "me" that I currently am.
And this is my life. An infatuated, workaholic with a lot on her mind. Balancing life, friends, school, work, and still managing to dab on a little lip color before heading out the door each morning. As November nears, I miss my grandma more and more. She'd understand my dilemmas and provide me with years of knowledge. So here it is -- my thoughts compiled into one entry. Somewhat random and all over the place, but hopefully helpful in the declaration of my over-thinking, constantly creative, yet chill vibe. I've had a lot to think about recently, and this, as they say, is What's In Coco's Hair?.
Peace,
Chanell
