So, yet again... let's rant about some sappy love story, and reflect on life up until now. No, I'm not some emo child who is completely misunderstood, with a closet full of skeletons. But nor am I a perfect stepford wife, with a smile permanently tattooed on my face, with a strand of pearls on at all times. No sirry, I am neither. I am me. I know I ramble on and on about my individuality a lot, and how I stay true to myself-- but it's rather important to me. I was chatting with a friend recently, and he was praising me for having completed my first year of college, and not changing myself. I never thought about how that-- being one's self-- could be an achievement. But as I look around at my peers, I realize, yes, they have changed. Some for the better, some for the worse, but change is definitely found. I still sit on my parent's couch every day, listening to my random iTunes finds, and read. I watch reruns of Gilmore Girls, and reminisce about the past couple of years. Now that the class of 2011 is about to graduate from high school, I realize something. I am aging. It's not bad. I'm maturing. I'm making changes, and I'm trying to do something with my life. I'll admit, I had my "quarter life crisis" the other night with my mother... but I'm fine. I blame the false hope portrayed through different media outlets... the sappy love songs I listen to. The teenage love novels I read. And the numerous television sitcoms where the love is never there, then all of a sudden-- the ugly girl gets crushed on by three beautiful gentleman! Right, like that ever happens! Since when does the mean, big gal get the hot football player with guitar skills, and a jazzy voice?? huh?? Ahem.. Glee, what are you doing?? And now the bigger gal with the amazing pipes is gonna date the cute, blonde-haired awkward "poor" boy? Right. Guess, I'm living in a fairytale-- for, I have never seen this happen in real life. Thank you television.
No, this post is not meant to rip on sitcoms... I love them, it's just I have some things on my mind. My friend called me yesterday and told me that the conversation we had the other night about boys, college, and life got him to thinking. He decided to drop out of college, and later move away and work on bigger, more important things. He's creating his own path, rather than letting others create one for him-- he isn't happy with the major he'd chose, and was paying money for something he's not even happy about. I respect that. But I feel guilty. I had talked about how I'd never imagined myself at this stage in my life. For as long as I can remember, I had dreamt of being famous... and now, now I'm in college. Majoring in PR, with a minor in Marketing. Am I excited? Yes, of course! But, I had always imagined myself being discovered by now. No, I'm not some triple threat dancer/singer/actor. But I've always enjoyed singing, and have always been told I could be known for it. "And with a name like Chanell, of course, you'll be famous!" Maybe I should blame the adults in my life for giving me this hope. But no, I shall not point the finger at anyone! My life is up to me-- it's my destiny. I must keep true to myself, the thing I pride myself in, and make my own decisions.
Another thought I had... why is it that I have been so behind on growing up in some areas, and so mature in others. No, I don't mean puberty, and that crap... I'm talking about mindsets, beliefs, morals, friends, relationships, etc. I've always been a hard worker, a grade-A student, and a charismatic gal! I've never drank, smoke, or "partied". Along with that "never have I ever" list includes: still a virgin, never had my first kiss, never been on a date, and never had a boyfriend. Heck, up until a week ago, I'd never flown in a plane or been out of the country! I'm growing up one step at a time. In these areas, I've always felt like that was normal for me. I'm unique-- but now, now that I'm 19 years old, with a year of college under by belt, I feel as though I keep falling behind. Just once, I'd like it for a guy to think I was "cute" and not one of my friends. I'd like for a guy to ask my friend their opinion on how to ask me out. I'd like for a boy (a straight boy) to hold my hand, and dance. I'd like to be asked out, and sit on a blanket in the park and just laugh and listen to music. I know all these things seem so simple, so cliche, but I don't know what they're like. I've had plenty of cutesy moments with gay friends, but those don't count. I want to experience a relationship... something real. A boy and a girl. I love my gay friends, but when I see how easy it is for them to forget about their "boy" and go make out with someone else on the dance floor, it makes me feel sorry for them. Do they realize how wrong that seems? Love is something cherish-able, something important. To me, at least. Anyway, yea... love is a many splendid thing. I've had opportunities to go on dates, and to kiss boys, but why should I if it's not going to mean anything. I know people are tired of me waiting around for prince charming to sweep me off my feet, but I've waited 19 years to not have a kiss--- i think it should be special, right? Why rush it now?
I'm sorry to have bored you with all this, especially after a long Memorial Day Weekend. But, I was just reading, and I felt the need to write. So of course, my blog is where I confess these odd ideas!
More to come later... I promise, I didn't die. I was gone to Mexico for a week... and speaking of which, I'll be uploading another blog as a sort of project to tell about my adventures!
Thanks so much.
Love and glitter
-Coco
