1.6.16

I’m unmotivated and ambitious as hell, all at once, and I’m still trying to figure out how that can be. 

You hear those cliches about moments being the time of your life. How you’ve had your golden years, and everything from here on out is life and it sucks and blah blah blah. I didn’t believe it. I still don’t. But I’m beginning to kind of understand what these people were referring to. 

I find myself each and everyday waking up with the thirst to do something more, but the lack of motivation, or maybe it’s a lack of knowledge on where to start. I know that big things are expected from me. It started at a young age, people creating these expectations for me. I too expect greatness from myself. But the problem lies within the idea of what I should do and how I should do it. 

Too often I hear from my peers about their lack of happiness or satisfaction with their lives. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to join the club. I have too much to offer.  I enjoy my unconventional life, here on the island of misfit toys. 

I know I’ve ranted about this in a previous post, and IRL, but social media is a blessing and a curse. It’s a great platform to stay connected with friends thousands of miles away, or checking in on your favorite celeb, but sometimes it’s the worst at crushing your self-esteem. 

I’ve never been one to compare myself to others, but damn, does social media posts from friends sometime make you feel like you’re doing absolutely nothing with your life? I get it, social media makes everyone’s life look a little more glamorous. Filters and apps help with that. I’m guilty, we all are. 

I just don’t get how I got here. I was always so involved. Charismatic. Acting, singing, volunteering, dancing, academics, social life, philanthropic, leader, community involvement, campus involvement, etc. I made the grades, I had the connections, the ambition, the unique qualities. I thought I was destined for something other than a conglomeration of freelance work, and an abundance of hours watching Netflix under my belt. I’m not complaining. That’d be too millennial of me. Barf. I’m just a little disappointed in myself sometimes. I should have tried harder, not been so picky, taken more chances. The same could be said about my dating life. But in all seriousness, what happened? Am I the only one who feels this way? Let me answer that for you, I know I’m not. 

We’re all at different stages in our lives. And that’s okay. I embraced it a loooong time ago, but sometimes I just feel so shitty about how my life is shaping up. Don’t get me wrong, I have a great family who loves me, I have cool friends who are supportive and chill. I have jobs here and there and get to work with cool people, and in a rad city. I really cannot complain. But sometimes I explore what I think would be my dream job, and I feel so complacent. Should I give all this up? Should I try to make it big? Should I try to work at some big record label? Move to NYC or LA? I think about it sometimes. Don’t we all?

There comes a point when you have to look at what you have and what you want and settle the difference. Picture yourself in that dream job or that foreign city or with that beautiful stranger. Is it really you? Do you really want it? Or are you just giving into the pressure of society and the expectations placed on you from your peers? Is it just the idea that you enjoy, not the reality?

Honestly, I saw this quote a few months back “you were not born to pay bills and die,” and it really stuck with me. We’re here, on this planet, to live and love and that’s it. Live int he moments with the people you care about, love yourself, and all of the rest will fall into place… when that is, I don’t know, but I’ll let you know when I find out. 

Tater tots & unsettling thoughts.

It happened again. That unsettling feeling. There I was, minding my own business. Eating some tater tots. Listening to people groan about monotonous details. And it hit me. It does this. 

I was daydreaming of leaving. Or getting up from the table, leaving them behind and finding a new adventure. In this city. Somewhere new. Moving. Packing up. Saying "see ya later Cincy, I'm going on vacation." 

Then in that same moment, my mind switched. What am I doing here? Why do I hang out in these settings? Are we actually having fun? Am I living? I've been out of college for over a year now and have no "big girl job". Should I leave? Should I just live with my parents forever? That's what people used to do... Live with their families, not separating. Do I actually need to live on my own right now? I think people do that to mature and figure out who they are. What do you do when you're 23 and know who you are? But don't know what the next move is? 

I get so frustrated with myself. I know my mother does too. I get to overwhelmed and underwhelmed all at the same time. I know that I have the potential to do whatever the hell I want. I've had some experience, I've dabbled, but what's my next career move? What am I going to do? I don't care about making a ton of money. Ideally, I don't want some 9-5 desk job either. I'm too creative. Too restless. Too much of an idealist. Yes, that's what I am. An idealist. I have these thoughts and dreams and aspirations. But I have little motivation. I have little to work for or towards. I sound like such a millennial. Dang it. Who am I kidding? We're all trying to "live". But what is living? Is it just the simple act of breathing? Or is there some checklist that we're suppose to be completing? I admit that sometimes I hear about others' lives my age and think about what I'm doing. Or what I'm not doing. But I also know that I am my own person, and will not compare myself to others. 

This world is strange. So many contradictions and prearrangements. So many unspoken rules and ideals. 

I don't know what to do. I'm back at square one. Just like I was before college, trying to pick my major. (My dear friend Matt & I were just talking about this.) Well, now I have two degrees and not a lot to show for it. I don't discount my education. I don't discount my experiences. I've interned places and networked. But here I am. Working part-time. Freelancing here and there. And that's okay, I think? 

Am I a writer? A photographer? A publicist? A stylist? A social media strategist? A promoter? A saleswoman? A singer? 

I need guidance again. Or a sign. Or some sort of proper motivation. I need to get my mojo back. Everyone knows it. 

Maybe I need a change of scenery. But each time I leave Cincinnati, I come back loving her even more. It's a shame, really, how much I love her. 

Just as I wrote that, I pictured myself being a novelist. I pictured myself as Fitzgerald. Maybe that's what I should do. Write. 

For now, I sleep. 

Post Grad: The Veil Of Uncertainty

Up until now I've taken everything for granted. Time mostly. But kind of just life in general. 

I think the feeling of a chapter ending has really struck me. 

It only took about two months, endless hours of Netflix, and a few dozen over-thinking nights to get here. 

It's as though I've been given a new pair of sunglasses in which the tint has changed everything from rose to a more golden hue (maybe it's grey) but the point is that everything seems to be changing hues in front of my eyes. 

I know that I've found myself in slumps before. Moments of sheer terror where I have no incline or idea of what my future holds. I've experienced those times where I've rethought the relationships around me. I've thought about boarding a plane, backpacking through the mountains, and embarking on a real Into The Wild experience. 

But this time, this time I think something is different. 

No longer do I have the safety of college. Classes with textbooks to read (or not read).  Lectures to take notes from. Friends to conveniently grab coffee with or catch up over a slice of pizza in the Student Union. 

No, this isn't my life anymore. 

I have no circle of sisters to meet with every Sunday. No homework that's due in a month, that I will start the night before. Okay, maybe the week before. No longer will I instagram the wondrous colors of Griffin Hall. No more student ID. No more campus events. 

Reality, at this point, is that I am forced to grow up now. And while yes, I know that I am an old soul, and I am meant to experience all that life has to offer -- I also am uncertain of the future. 

So uncertain in fact that I think I'm hiding from it. 

Thus far, in my life, I've had things planned out. School was a necessity from kindergarten to high school graduation. From there, college was a choice. Seeing as I am a first generation college student/grad/you know what I mean, college was the plan. Four years seemed like an adequate amount of time to find a degree, learn what I'm passionate about and set forth on my life before me. 

Boy, am I naive. 

Countless people had warned me about life post-grad, but I am a firm believer in taking advice into consideration, following my heart and going with the flow. I'm a type B kinda gal in that sense. Let the chips fall where they may, and work for what you love. 

Let's reflect on my two months of "real life." 

After graduation, I let on like everything was normal. Attending concerts per usual, working my same job, hanging out with new and old friends… all felt comfortable. Typical. I was on summer vacation. Let's add the element of my one of my best friends leaving for his dream job for the summer only a mere weeks after my graduating, leaving me in Northern Kentucky without my adventure buddy. I felt stuck.

Then I became ill with a disgustingly painful cyst on my tailbone. I won't go into detail. But it hurt A LOT, forcing me to get some surgery and be cooped up in bed for days upon weeks, turning into almost a month of lack of socialization with the outside world. 

During this time, when I wasn't almost paralyzed with pain, I found an escape through literature and film. I'd put myself in the shoes of the characters I was reading or watching. (Let's just say I understand The Graduate a little more, minus the whole affair idea.)  I delved into Netflix television series and began to become one with the characters on the screen. These were my friends during my time of pain, they didn't judge me for not being able to shower or care that I was a recent graduate of college just going with the flow.

As I began to take baby steps back into the light of day, I ran into friendly faces. People who wanted to know my plans for the future. How's post grad life? Where are you working? Are you going to grad school?  

Cue the tears.

Okay, maybe a little more of a spinning head. Some self-doubt and anxious moods.

All of a sudden, everyone wanted to know what I'd be doing with the rest of my life. And all along, I thought at this point I'd have an answer. 

But I don't. 

At this point, I've considered creating a shirt that says "I graduated college and I'm just trying to enjoy the free time, I'll let you know when I've figured out the rest." But perhaps that would be too abrasive, and we all know that I'm not one for confrontation. 

I hadn't been around people in weeks, I was happy to stand again, I hadn't really thought about where I'd be applying next. 

And perhaps that's where the problem lies. I hadn't put enough thought into my future endeavors. For up until this point, things were calculated for me or I had a plan and went with the flow to make it all happen. 

This should be no different. 

But it is. 

And that terrifies me. 

What if I don't find a "big girl job?" OR what if I find a job and I don't like it? OR what if I'm bad at it? 

What if everything that I thought I was passionate about/thought I was good at has been a complete misunderstanding. What if I'm a failure. 

This is where I find myself a lot these days. Thinking. Asking myself about life. And in all honesty, I just want to enjoy some free time. I would love a job, I'd love to be practicing my degree, but I also know that I have time for all that.

And thus, here I am. Typing away on my MacBook in the dark of my bedroom at midnight. Snapchatting my best friend while he stares out the window of his New York City digs. 

Envious doesn't even begin to explain it. 

I want adventure. I want love. I want to experience life. I want happiness. 

Perhaps I'm selfish. Perhaps I should have experienced more while in college. Perhaps I should suck it up, stop being picky, and just get a job.

I've had some time to explore my interests. Making plenty of lists. I can safely say that the job hunting process is tiring. It can be cruel. But it can also be a great way to do some soul searching. I'll keep trying to figure out what's happening and where I'll go from here…. but for now, the tshirt is still an option. 

And now that I have successfully survived the most painful thing I've had to date (that dang cyst was paralyzing), I think that I'll be able to survive the summer and embark on a new journey of self discovery and post-grad life choices. 

Come August, when everyone is going back to school, I hope that this veil of foggy tomorrows and rainy what ifs will go away. I'll be able to focus again and get back to living. 

Until then, I digress. 

Music Is My Religion

It just takes that one song from that one band to send chills down your spine. You can be surrounded by complete strangers, but for that moment on that night, you all are friends. Friends with the love of this same moment that you all are sharing. You all thrust your fist in the air, dancing along to the beat of the drum and who the hell cares who's watching? Friends and fans unite in a sea of sweat and denim. The house is black, the stage is lit, and you are there. With that special someone. With your best friend. With your family. With no one. But even then, you feel at home. In a sea of strangers, you have never felt more comfortable than the moment when the band takes the stage for the first time, the sea of cellphones light up the audience, and you know that it's going to be a good night. 

Why can't life always be like this? Where we all can bond over this unique moment. Where we can share in laughter and music and be completely present in the show. This state and time holds a place in your calendar. You have the ticket stub, you have your beverage, and you feel the vibes. It's now when you can let go, cleanse your soul of the worries of hours past, this is your time. Relax, rejoice and soak in the moments you have. 

If I've learned one thing from the number of shows that I've seen -- it's that it never gets old. I anticipate the set lists, I study the room, I pick out my future husband, and I think about nothing at all. The choice is yours. This is your moment, spend it wisely-- carelessly or poetically. 

The goosebumps begin, and I can feel my eyes starting to water. As to make sure no one sees my emotional state for music, I make sure to blink a lot to rid my eyes of puddles. This is what I needed -- this is my church. This is where I go to rejoice. Music is my religion.  The cure of any bad day. The symphony to my soul.



Live it, love it, caress it.
-Coco Chanell 

A Tale of Autopilot Daydreams

Here's the thing about relationships -- much like physics, politics and sports -- I don't understand them.  Yes, I cannot learn from experience… well, because I'm lacking in that department.  The department of love and relationships.  Maybe not so much in love, for I know that love exists, and I know that I am too naive to feel this way just yet.  I love my family, I love my friends, collectively.  I am not close enough to most of them to actually love them, if that makes any sense.  I cherish the word "love."  It means too much to me to be thrown around in everyday language.  I adore TONS of things and people.  I love music, I share a connection with it, it warms my soul, the lyrics transcend into medicine when I'm sad, and continually helps to provide the soundtrack to my life.  

I do fantasize about a prince charming who will whisk me away on his lawn mower, playing some sort of super-perfect song, thrusting his fist in the air, and then we'll skip through tall fields of grass, laying under a blanket of stars and confessing our deepest secrets.  It's a compilation of some of my most vivid dreams and scenes from various rom coms.  I can see all of these pieces of the puzzle falling into place, yet I have yet to figure out who my dream man will be.  And I've learned to be very patient.  I hold out hope that I'll see him on the street, brush into him at a concert, watch him walk into one of my favorite coffee shops, or perhaps he'll be at flipping through old blazers at the local Goodwill. It's untelling.  My dreams tell me that this guy is in my life already, and we share a connection that cannot be undone.  

And I know, I've wrote about this countless times before.  But seriously, I'm constantly learning about life, love and all those other lessons that life hands us along the way.

In recent events, I've been submerged into an immensely chill vibe.  Like, completely chill.  Almost to the point where I cannot concentrate on the various events happening around me.  I am longing for breaks in my day where I can casually write as I please, and warm my soul with music and chai tea.  I know I'm growing up, and maybe that has brought on this sudden change of mood.  I also know am aware that I am not depressed by any means.  Yet, when I try to describe this feeling of "autopilot," I sound dramatic and somewhat delusional.  That's not how it is.  Not at all. Let me try to put it into words...

As the day dwells on, I can feel the moments passing me by.  Slowly and reluctantly, I see images speed past me, people moving and living their everyday lives; while I sit (feeling as though I am) frozen in time.   This is not my declaration of depression.  I don’t think that’s my issue.  I think it’s a touch of senioritis, homesick-ness, allergies and a dash of the love bug.  I can feel my prioritizing getting tossed to the way-side.  Projects that should take me a mere hour or two drag on for days.  I can’t concentrate, sleep sounds splendid throughout the day, and then once I get home, I lack the desire to shut my lids.  Welcome to college?

I have been set to autopilot – simply drifting by, not actually living in the moments -- something I pride myself in.  I’m all about the moments!  Yet, here I sit, when I should be working, I blog.  All I want to do is curl up under my warm blankets, stare at the ceiling fan, drink warm tea, get lost in a trance of superb tunes, and write.  Ideally, I’d like to pause life around me – take a small break for myself, and scratch off some of the items on my to-do list.  But no, I do not have time for that.  I barely have time to eat lunch.  This is sad.  But this is life.

I envy the students who have ample amounts of time to spend watching Netflix, or who can take a stroll through the park.  Even during my times of unscheduled activities, a meeting pops up, an assignment has to get done, and it’s on to the next task.  I need some motivation.  I find myself daydreaming all too often. Doodling during class, planning for days down the road.  With songs constantly playing in my mind, I hum tunes to songs I've never heard of.  Images of past events drift into my imagination.  I’ve got it bad – Usher was right. 

And now, now that I am on a break from classes, I have been able to enjoy some of my hobbies that I used to revel in -- reading, writing, taking photos, painting, and simply soaking up the moments of being around my family.  Too often I toss these simple pleasure to the wayside, trying to make way for things that I've tried to make more important.  But that's not fair.  I must stop and smell the flowers, soak in the moments and embrace life.  And all those other cliches. 

As my "lasts" of college begin, I can feel myself separating myself from college, lunging forward into "real world" or "adult life."  I am in an awkward limbo of embracing and living in the moments of college, all while preparing myself for graduation and a career.  This is life, and this is where I am.  There's nothing wrong with this balance, it's just a little more than what I'm used to.  I'm taking on the ideas of life, moving, boys, various internships, work, school, and my involvement on and off campus.  The daydreaming swells all the while.  Longing to be apart of a "we," and not making time to appreciate the "me" that I currently am.  

And this is my life.  An infatuated, workaholic with a lot on her mind.  Balancing life, friends, school, work, and still managing to dab on a little lip color before heading out the door each morning.  As November nears, I miss my grandma more and more.  She'd understand my dilemmas and provide me with years of knowledge.  So here it is -- my thoughts compiled into one entry.  Somewhat random and all over the place, but hopefully helpful in the declaration of my over-thinking, constantly creative, yet chill vibe.  I've had a lot to think about recently, and this, as they say, is What's In Coco's Hair?. 

Peace,

Chanell 

What is something you've always wanted to do?

Some days are blessings, while others are filled with struggles. But each day I am thankful to be alive.  I cannot complain about the events leading to this point in my life... The chapters to my novel are not complete, and I have yet to reach the cliffhanger. 

And I'm okay with that. 

For each day is a new day, and I am up for the challenge (most days).

A few weeks ago, at work, we were encouraged to get to know the staff a little more by answering a question on a poster each day. The questions were "Why do you love music?" and "what is something you've always wanted to do?" without hesitation, I made my way to transcribe my answers.  Blank spaces were sparse on the music poster, while the something we've always wanted to do was very bare. 

When I read the question, I knew exactly what I've always wanted... Not a pony, or a mansion.  Not even a goose that lays golden eggs.  

I've always wanted to fall in love -- Maybe not like in the fairy tales, and maybe not like some cliche romance novel -- but I cannot wait for the day when I fall in love. 

Seeing as I'm 21 and single, this didn't seem strange to me. But as my 30's, 40's, 50's and even older coworkers glanced at the board, some were struck with awe, pity and amusement by my response. While no one knew that was my answer, I watched as the reactions came spilling in. They were feeling amusement by my lack of love, but also sadness that I had never fallen in love.  Is that not natural? 

I was confused. 

I have loved the ideas of many a things throughout my life... I have enjoyed moments, and I love my family. But I have never truly fallen in love. 

Maybe I should feel pity for myself, trust me, sometimes I do. But whatever the case may be... I want to fall in love.  With all my heart, butterflies-causing-chaos-in-my-stomach-kind-of-love.  

...

Although it may not happen tonight or tomorrow, maybe not next week or even a year from now... I look forward to the day that it happens.  It may be unexpected and unplanned, and I'm quite alright with that.  For as long as I can remember, I have longed for the day to come.  It will be a celebrated time in my life, and I cannot wait. Yes, I joke about the idea of seeing my future boyfriend walking through the door at Coffee Emporium, but maybe one day it will happen.  And maybe it will make all the difference. 

As they say, "love is a many splendid thing."