1.6.16

I’m unmotivated and ambitious as hell, all at once, and I’m still trying to figure out how that can be. 

You hear those cliches about moments being the time of your life. How you’ve had your golden years, and everything from here on out is life and it sucks and blah blah blah. I didn’t believe it. I still don’t. But I’m beginning to kind of understand what these people were referring to. 

I find myself each and everyday waking up with the thirst to do something more, but the lack of motivation, or maybe it’s a lack of knowledge on where to start. I know that big things are expected from me. It started at a young age, people creating these expectations for me. I too expect greatness from myself. But the problem lies within the idea of what I should do and how I should do it. 

Too often I hear from my peers about their lack of happiness or satisfaction with their lives. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to join the club. I have too much to offer.  I enjoy my unconventional life, here on the island of misfit toys. 

I know I’ve ranted about this in a previous post, and IRL, but social media is a blessing and a curse. It’s a great platform to stay connected with friends thousands of miles away, or checking in on your favorite celeb, but sometimes it’s the worst at crushing your self-esteem. 

I’ve never been one to compare myself to others, but damn, does social media posts from friends sometime make you feel like you’re doing absolutely nothing with your life? I get it, social media makes everyone’s life look a little more glamorous. Filters and apps help with that. I’m guilty, we all are. 

I just don’t get how I got here. I was always so involved. Charismatic. Acting, singing, volunteering, dancing, academics, social life, philanthropic, leader, community involvement, campus involvement, etc. I made the grades, I had the connections, the ambition, the unique qualities. I thought I was destined for something other than a conglomeration of freelance work, and an abundance of hours watching Netflix under my belt. I’m not complaining. That’d be too millennial of me. Barf. I’m just a little disappointed in myself sometimes. I should have tried harder, not been so picky, taken more chances. The same could be said about my dating life. But in all seriousness, what happened? Am I the only one who feels this way? Let me answer that for you, I know I’m not. 

We’re all at different stages in our lives. And that’s okay. I embraced it a loooong time ago, but sometimes I just feel so shitty about how my life is shaping up. Don’t get me wrong, I have a great family who loves me, I have cool friends who are supportive and chill. I have jobs here and there and get to work with cool people, and in a rad city. I really cannot complain. But sometimes I explore what I think would be my dream job, and I feel so complacent. Should I give all this up? Should I try to make it big? Should I try to work at some big record label? Move to NYC or LA? I think about it sometimes. Don’t we all?

There comes a point when you have to look at what you have and what you want and settle the difference. Picture yourself in that dream job or that foreign city or with that beautiful stranger. Is it really you? Do you really want it? Or are you just giving into the pressure of society and the expectations placed on you from your peers? Is it just the idea that you enjoy, not the reality?

Honestly, I saw this quote a few months back “you were not born to pay bills and die,” and it really stuck with me. We’re here, on this planet, to live and love and that’s it. Live int he moments with the people you care about, love yourself, and all of the rest will fall into place… when that is, I don’t know, but I’ll let you know when I find out. 

23 Lessons Learned in 23 Years.

23 Lessons Learned in 23 Years.

(Cliches & Mantras Used By Yours Truly)

Seeing as I turned 23 this past weekend, it felt only natural to share a list of 23 lessons that I've learned over the past 23 years of life.

...

1. Be yourself. Love yourself. 
   Fall in love with yourself, your quirks, your guilty pleasures. Embrace them. People will either like you, or they won't, don't worry about it. If you love yourself, others will take note.
2. Surround yourself with people who will help bring out the best in you, and you the best in them. 
   Life is too short to deal with negativity from your friend circle. Surround yourself with cool cats who appreciate you and your likes, people who won't judge you or make you feel guilty. Hang out with folks who you can relax with, and they'll be able to open up to you -- it'll feel natural and effortless. Enjoy that.
3. Life is a bitch. Use precaution, and go forth. 
   I wish I could say that life is peachy keene, jelly bean, but I'd be mistaken. Life is hard. No one said it wouldn't be. But the rumors are true, if you remain positive, and put things in perspective, you'll survive. Good luck.
4. Collect moments, not things. 
   I'm all about the moments. Realize that you are living -- right now. Don't worry too much about tomorrow, or five years from now, live for today. Enjoy the little things in life, it'll make all the difference.
5. Decide what to be and go be it. 
   Yes, The Avett Brothers may have sang this, but I believe it. Be passionate in all that you do. Don't let others tell you that you can't accomplish your goals. Work for what you want, be confident in your choices.
6. Music is there for you no matter what. 
   Music is my religion. Maybe yours is people, or sports, or something else. Find out what it is that truly makes you happy and helps you feel understood. Music is there for me, it helps to be the soundtrack for my life each and everyday.
7. People will come and go from your life. It's natural. 
   You will lose people in your life. Whether it's from a passing, or just a falling-out, it'll happen. You'll mourn the loss, you'll miss them, but you'll move on. Remember the good times you were able to share with them, try not to hang onto any ill feelings about them.
8. Dating, much like most things in life, makes zero sense.
   There's no formula for love, or life, for that matter. Dating applications can only help so much. Embrace the idea of getting to know someone. Their likes, dislikes, their family, real aspects of them. It may work out, it may not. Recognize when you have a real connection with someone, and try to hold onto that.
9. Writing helps sooth the soul. 
   Even if you're not a writer, sometimes it just takes getting the words out on paper to help you through something. Write a letter to your ex about how you feel, you don't have to give it to them. Journal about that family issue, it'll help to relieve the stress. Jot something down on a napkin just to get it out. For me, blogging and journaling help me release built-up emotion. Get it out, you'll feel better.
10. Fashion fades, style remains. Wear what you want. 
    Who cares what the latest fashion trends are. Wear what you feel good in. Pull pieces from your grandmothers wardrobe, piece them with your own finds, it'll be different, it'll be your own. If you want to wear that hat, or that jacket, or that skirt -- go for it! Everyone has their own style, showcase it.
11. Communication is key. 
    No matter the relationship -- professional, platonic, romantic -- communication is necessary. Emails, texts, snapchats, those are great, but don't forget about the simplicity and pure communication of a face-to-face conversation. Express how you're feeling, let people know when you're confused, it'll help the relationship.
12. Time flies when you don't give a shit. 
    Take each day as a new opportunity. Don't stress too much. Don't over-plan. Go with the flow, chill out and take a deep breath. You'll feel more relaxed and have time for yourself and your interests.
13. Feelings occur, shit happens, I'll be fine. All feelings are valid. 
    This is something I've more recently adopted into my mantras. No matter how you're feeling, it is valid. Do not let someone tell you otherwise. You may fall for someone, they may fall for someone else, you'll be crushed, but you'll move on. Feelings don't always fade overnight. This one can be a harder lesson to learn.
14. C'est la vie… or something like that.
    Seize the day. Have fun. Chill out. Sing at the top of your lungs. Dance in public. Talk to that cutie at the bar. If you really like those shoes, buy them. Binge watch Netflix. Do what you want.
15. Never change yourself for someone else.
    Embrace your individuality. Do not adapt yourself to fit the stereotype of what you think society wants you to be. We're all different. When in a relationship, remain true to yourself. Do not pretend to like something because you think they'll like you more. Don't starve yourself for someone else. If you want to change, do it on your own terms, for your own betterment. Do not let a romantic partner change you -- remember your friends, family, career, goals, hobbies, etc.
16. The really great moments are when the world winks in your direction.
    You may be thinking the universe is against you, and just like that, something really great will happen. Maybe you go down a pant size, maybe that job opportunity finally arrived, maybe that cute barista gave you a free drink, whatever it may be -- enjoy it. Life will serve you some hard times, be aware of the tokens of awesomeness that come your way too!
    
17. Be honest. Say what's on your mind. 
    A very recent thing for me. I'm all about the honesty. I went 22 years being nice, not saying everything that was on my mind, not admitting my feelings for someone -- then, one day, something changed -- I decided to be real. I will now go up to the cute guy in the corner and tell him that I like his style, because, why not? I will text you randomly telling you my appreciation for you as a friend. I will let you know how I feel about your new boo. I will also know when to keep my mouth shut, as to not hurt any one's feelings or as to not get myself into too much trouble. There is a fine balance here.
18. Embrace your natural beauty. 
    I have big, wavy, frizzy hair. It took years for me to embrace that. I wanted short, straight hair. Now, my hair is how people find me in a crowd, and I'm okay with that. It doesn't matter if you're 4'11", or 6'2", you're a babe. It doesn't matter if your a size 2 or a size 22, you're a babe. Embrace your look, master your look, love your look. Freckles, glasses, large feet -- whatever it may be, you make that shit look good!
19. Originality is breathtaking. 
    Know who you are. Have your own ideas. Do not copy off of someone else to get attention. Like what you like, don't like what you don't. Posses a passion, share that passion with others, it'll make people swoon. Be original in thought, style, hobbies, etc. Don't cater to the idea of what you think others will think is "cool." Individuality is cool.
20. Family is there for you, no matter what. 
    At the end of the day, you know it's alright to veg out on the couch in your sweats with your family. They may get on your nerves from time to time. They may not be the coolest of cools, but they're your family. Extensions of who you are and where you came from. Learn to embrace that. They've got your back no matter what. Plus, they'll be there with the ice cream when you need to wallow. (Gilmore Girls, anyone?)
21. Coffee, much like pizza, is good no matter what the hour.
    I love pizza. Always have, always will. It's been one of my main food groups for as long as I can remember. I'm always prepared to eat pizza, without a doubt. Coffee, on the other hand, became an acquired taste. I always loved the smell, and when I got older, I was comforted by coffee shops. I don't care if it's 7:00a.m., 3:30p.m., or 4:00a.m. I can drink coffee whenever. The warmness soothes my soul, and helps me feel happy. Call me weird, I don't care. Sometimes I'll opt for the soy chai, but there's something so perfect about going to a diner at 3 in the morning, reflecting on the night out with your friends, and drinking copious amounts of coffee.
22. Take a step back. Recharge. 
    Whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, or somewhere in between. I find myself needing to recharge more and more these days. I love networking, being around people, and just socializing. But there are days or just brief moments where I need time to chill out, recharge, and be quiet for a bit. Give yourself some time to yourself, then get back to your day. This could be in the morning, when you need your coffee and newspaper. Or this could be a night where you go off the grid, and just need some time to yourself. It's important to not burn yourself out. Whether it's with a project at work, a relationship, or socializing. Take a moment to step back. Relax. Refresh. Recharge.
23. No one knows what the hell they're doing. We're human. 
    In today's day and age, it's easy to hop onto social media and see the endless amounts of posts about new jobs, engagements, etc. Do not compare yourself to others. Your successes are just as important as other people's successes. Remember that. We're all human, we all make mistakes. Who cares if your old pal moved to Europe and you're in your hometown. That's great for them, but aren't you happy too? Everyone is trying to figure out their next move, everyone puts on their pants one leg at a time. We're all confused when it comes to life. Fake it 'til you make it, if you have to. Just remember that you are the creator of your legacy. You make your own choices. Yes, there will be some bumps in the road on the journey of life, but that's expected. If you ask others about where they'll be in 5 years, more than likely, they'll also pause and not know. Go with it. Take it day by day. 

...

I'm no expert on life, trust me, but I've learned a thing or two, especially since post-grad. All we can do is put a smile on and go with the flow. Some lessons have to be taught again, some get adapted, but for the most part it's all about becoming your best self and enjoying your life. As I always say: live it, love it, caress it. 

Defining A Happy Place

Amidst the various aromas of chain food, the brightly colored menus and the families with loads of loot from a day well spent at the mall, my mother and I discuss happiness. 

It is no secret that my mother has changed. A piece of her died when her parents passed. Her closeness to her mother was something to admire. They talked everyday on the phone. Every morning in a three way conversation with my aunt. 

6:30am on the dot. That was their ritual. For years. 

That was my mother's happy place. Those long distance phone calls. Her morning conference call was the equivalent to most folks' morning caffeine. 

I must say that my grandmother was and will always be remembered as a remarkable woman. Someone who loved everyone. Blind. Literally and figuratively. She passed no judgement and was the most selfless person I've ever known. Her name was Shirley. Also commonly referred to as Shirl Girl.  

My mother was close to Shirley. And since a cold November day in 2010, my mother hasn't been the same. 

And as life would have it, tragedy struck again when my mother's father passed an exact 2 years and 2 weeks after her mother. 

Since November 2012, my mother has had to cope with the loss of her best friend, her parents, and her happy place. 

No longer does my mom feel the need to visit her childhood home. What's left is not the same, and most of the family has up and moved away. 

My mother has lost that twinkle in her eye. That spark that made her so loving and joyful. 

She knows it. 

I know it. 

I assume that others have caught on. 

...And thus I cannot relate. 

But I can empathize. 

For I have my parents. I haven't (fortunately) lost anyone that mattered that much to me as her parents did her. 

I want to help her. I want to shake her and sprinkle the joy back into her bones. I want to trade places and let her see what it's like to be a young adult again. For I know that I am lucky to have my entire future in front of me.

But that's where we were. 

Two lost souls in the middle of a food court. Pondering life over our picked-at rice meals.

What is happiness?

I proclaimed that it was really just a facade that people hide behind and pretend to be happy. For are people really "happy?" What does that even mean. 

My mother decided it meant to be okay and content with your life and your passions. 

But I don't think that's right. I don't think happiness should be complacent or something you settle for. 

For as long as I can remember when people (or countless scholarship essays )would ask me to define what I wanted to be when I got older, I would always want to be happy. I used to define the pleasures of happiness were equivalent to those of succeeding. And each person defines it a different way. 

I do not believe I have a "happy place." I think my memories and dreams are what make me happy.

Moments in time that I can find stashed away in my mind. Times where I'd smile to myself, where I'd cry tears of joy. Moments when I'd be singing at the top of my lungs, when I achieved something off my bucket list. Those are the times that create happiness for me. 

But I cannot tell you if I am happy in the now. 

I feel like I'm still floating, wading, rather in a pool. It feels shallow at times, but as soon as I stick my hand in the water, my heart races knowing that I could sink or swim. 

And that's life. 

I think. 

I am no pro. Yet. 

There are people and things and moments and places that help to remind you of happiness. But I don't know if you can define being happy as a current emotion. Let's take graduating... I wasn't "happy" in the moment. Everything was happening so fast. I was trying to digest what was going on around me. It was surreal. And now, I can look back on the photos and judging by my candid, cackling-smile photos, I know that I was achieving something. And that makes me happy, I think?

I had no mood ring to confirm if I was happy. 

Life doesn't come complete with a mood ring. Or directions for that matter. Life: accessories not included. 

Are people really happy? Or are they pretending? Do we try way too hard pretending to be something that we're not in order to present ourselves in a fashion in which we think will make society happy? Is that happiness? 

These are the the thoughts that I have. Late at night. Having an existential crisis from the comfort of my twin size bed. Or the table at the mall food court eating steak and rice with my mother. 

I think happiness is an option, not a priority. Or a necessity. Living is. And I'll just continue to move forward. 

A Tale of 'Never Been Kissed'

I've had the privilege of being published in my school's paper, check it out! 

The Northerner: A tale of 'never been kissed'

(p.s. it was in honor of Valentine's Day nearing, and as most of you know, this is real). 

Head Full Of Doubt, Road Full Of Promise

As I journey my way through life, in my everyday encounters, I can feel myself creating an E! True Hollywood Story in my mind. From the shade of lipstain I decide to wear, to the people I meet, the hands I shake, and the soundtrack to the moments.  I can feel myself internally recording each moment so as to not forget it in the future.  The faces are engraved in my mind, the dreams are slowly becoming a reality, and it's time to be an adult.


I subliminally take note of the moment that I meet people, so as to store it away in a rolodex for later retrieval.  As I go to shake their hand, or hug their familiar being, I think of the possible futures we will have.  For this may be the only time we meet, it could be my next best friend, a future employer, or perhaps, just maybe, my future boyfriend or husband.  That's the cool and crazy thing about life -- we can't predict it.  Even now, as The Morning Benders' soothing vibes fill the speakers of my Mac, I cannot tell you how I will feel about this song in the future.  I cannot tell you if I will meet someone who is completely taken over by these melodies the way that I am.  The coin has been tossed, it's in the air, and who knows what side it will land on.  And that's okay.


Every so often I try to take control of these unknowns -- creating lists, handcrafting scenarios of right and wrong -- yet, I still find no answers.  I tense up, my mind swims with the endless possibilities, and I may even cry a bit.  I run to the kitchen to tell my mother of my stresses, she listens, she calms me down, and reminds me that it's okay not to know everything.  It's okay to be unsure, and to jump into a situation with your whole heart, and feel overwhelmed.   That's the beauty of the unknown  that's the beauty of life's moments.  After the calm of the worries, I dry my tears, journal a little, and then become inspired to work harder toward my goals.  That's all I can do.  For there is no magic eight ball to guide me along this path, there is no "pass go- collect 200 dollars."  This isn't the game of life, you do not roll the dice to receive your career and earnings.  Life is not that simple, it's much more fun.


So, in an instant when you're feeling lost or lonely, or just unsure of what's happening around you... stop, reflect, and breathe.  The key is to allow time to reflect.  Reflect on your day, your choices, your life, and those around you.  We will never be able to have all the answers, no one does. And you know what, that's the beauty of life -- so go out and live it! In the great words of The Avett Brothers, "Decide what to be and go be it."