A Tale of Autopilot Daydreams

Here's the thing about relationships -- much like physics, politics and sports -- I don't understand them.  Yes, I cannot learn from experience… well, because I'm lacking in that department.  The department of love and relationships.  Maybe not so much in love, for I know that love exists, and I know that I am too naive to feel this way just yet.  I love my family, I love my friends, collectively.  I am not close enough to most of them to actually love them, if that makes any sense.  I cherish the word "love."  It means too much to me to be thrown around in everyday language.  I adore TONS of things and people.  I love music, I share a connection with it, it warms my soul, the lyrics transcend into medicine when I'm sad, and continually helps to provide the soundtrack to my life.  

I do fantasize about a prince charming who will whisk me away on his lawn mower, playing some sort of super-perfect song, thrusting his fist in the air, and then we'll skip through tall fields of grass, laying under a blanket of stars and confessing our deepest secrets.  It's a compilation of some of my most vivid dreams and scenes from various rom coms.  I can see all of these pieces of the puzzle falling into place, yet I have yet to figure out who my dream man will be.  And I've learned to be very patient.  I hold out hope that I'll see him on the street, brush into him at a concert, watch him walk into one of my favorite coffee shops, or perhaps he'll be at flipping through old blazers at the local Goodwill. It's untelling.  My dreams tell me that this guy is in my life already, and we share a connection that cannot be undone.  

And I know, I've wrote about this countless times before.  But seriously, I'm constantly learning about life, love and all those other lessons that life hands us along the way.

In recent events, I've been submerged into an immensely chill vibe.  Like, completely chill.  Almost to the point where I cannot concentrate on the various events happening around me.  I am longing for breaks in my day where I can casually write as I please, and warm my soul with music and chai tea.  I know I'm growing up, and maybe that has brought on this sudden change of mood.  I also know am aware that I am not depressed by any means.  Yet, when I try to describe this feeling of "autopilot," I sound dramatic and somewhat delusional.  That's not how it is.  Not at all. Let me try to put it into words...

As the day dwells on, I can feel the moments passing me by.  Slowly and reluctantly, I see images speed past me, people moving and living their everyday lives; while I sit (feeling as though I am) frozen in time.   This is not my declaration of depression.  I don’t think that’s my issue.  I think it’s a touch of senioritis, homesick-ness, allergies and a dash of the love bug.  I can feel my prioritizing getting tossed to the way-side.  Projects that should take me a mere hour or two drag on for days.  I can’t concentrate, sleep sounds splendid throughout the day, and then once I get home, I lack the desire to shut my lids.  Welcome to college?

I have been set to autopilot – simply drifting by, not actually living in the moments -- something I pride myself in.  I’m all about the moments!  Yet, here I sit, when I should be working, I blog.  All I want to do is curl up under my warm blankets, stare at the ceiling fan, drink warm tea, get lost in a trance of superb tunes, and write.  Ideally, I’d like to pause life around me – take a small break for myself, and scratch off some of the items on my to-do list.  But no, I do not have time for that.  I barely have time to eat lunch.  This is sad.  But this is life.

I envy the students who have ample amounts of time to spend watching Netflix, or who can take a stroll through the park.  Even during my times of unscheduled activities, a meeting pops up, an assignment has to get done, and it’s on to the next task.  I need some motivation.  I find myself daydreaming all too often. Doodling during class, planning for days down the road.  With songs constantly playing in my mind, I hum tunes to songs I've never heard of.  Images of past events drift into my imagination.  I’ve got it bad – Usher was right. 

And now, now that I am on a break from classes, I have been able to enjoy some of my hobbies that I used to revel in -- reading, writing, taking photos, painting, and simply soaking up the moments of being around my family.  Too often I toss these simple pleasure to the wayside, trying to make way for things that I've tried to make more important.  But that's not fair.  I must stop and smell the flowers, soak in the moments and embrace life.  And all those other cliches. 

As my "lasts" of college begin, I can feel myself separating myself from college, lunging forward into "real world" or "adult life."  I am in an awkward limbo of embracing and living in the moments of college, all while preparing myself for graduation and a career.  This is life, and this is where I am.  There's nothing wrong with this balance, it's just a little more than what I'm used to.  I'm taking on the ideas of life, moving, boys, various internships, work, school, and my involvement on and off campus.  The daydreaming swells all the while.  Longing to be apart of a "we," and not making time to appreciate the "me" that I currently am.  

And this is my life.  An infatuated, workaholic with a lot on her mind.  Balancing life, friends, school, work, and still managing to dab on a little lip color before heading out the door each morning.  As November nears, I miss my grandma more and more.  She'd understand my dilemmas and provide me with years of knowledge.  So here it is -- my thoughts compiled into one entry.  Somewhat random and all over the place, but hopefully helpful in the declaration of my over-thinking, constantly creative, yet chill vibe.  I've had a lot to think about recently, and this, as they say, is What's In Coco's Hair?. 

Peace,

Chanell 

Head Full Of Doubt, Road Full Of Promise

As I journey my way through life, in my everyday encounters, I can feel myself creating an E! True Hollywood Story in my mind. From the shade of lipstain I decide to wear, to the people I meet, the hands I shake, and the soundtrack to the moments.  I can feel myself internally recording each moment so as to not forget it in the future.  The faces are engraved in my mind, the dreams are slowly becoming a reality, and it's time to be an adult.


I subliminally take note of the moment that I meet people, so as to store it away in a rolodex for later retrieval.  As I go to shake their hand, or hug their familiar being, I think of the possible futures we will have.  For this may be the only time we meet, it could be my next best friend, a future employer, or perhaps, just maybe, my future boyfriend or husband.  That's the cool and crazy thing about life -- we can't predict it.  Even now, as The Morning Benders' soothing vibes fill the speakers of my Mac, I cannot tell you how I will feel about this song in the future.  I cannot tell you if I will meet someone who is completely taken over by these melodies the way that I am.  The coin has been tossed, it's in the air, and who knows what side it will land on.  And that's okay.


Every so often I try to take control of these unknowns -- creating lists, handcrafting scenarios of right and wrong -- yet, I still find no answers.  I tense up, my mind swims with the endless possibilities, and I may even cry a bit.  I run to the kitchen to tell my mother of my stresses, she listens, she calms me down, and reminds me that it's okay not to know everything.  It's okay to be unsure, and to jump into a situation with your whole heart, and feel overwhelmed.   That's the beauty of the unknown  that's the beauty of life's moments.  After the calm of the worries, I dry my tears, journal a little, and then become inspired to work harder toward my goals.  That's all I can do.  For there is no magic eight ball to guide me along this path, there is no "pass go- collect 200 dollars."  This isn't the game of life, you do not roll the dice to receive your career and earnings.  Life is not that simple, it's much more fun.


So, in an instant when you're feeling lost or lonely, or just unsure of what's happening around you... stop, reflect, and breathe.  The key is to allow time to reflect.  Reflect on your day, your choices, your life, and those around you.  We will never be able to have all the answers, no one does. And you know what, that's the beauty of life -- so go out and live it! In the great words of The Avett Brothers, "Decide what to be and go be it."

We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve

Warning, I am about to be a girl and blog about my feelings while contemplating the actions of men.  Needless to say, you've been warned.

I may as well get this rant out of my system.
I think I'm cursed.

I know that I have developed this over analyzed, beautifully built-up image of what romance, friendships and people can be like -- I blame countless hours of reading John Green novels, or my admiration for John Hughes films.  Whatever the case may be... I'm missing something.  Most guys that I am friends with, it's cool... we're totally chill, we have similar interests; ie: music, movies, books, coffee, etc.  These guys usually end up being gay, or they end up never talking to me again.  I've said it once, I'll say it again... I'm cursed.

Let's take a little trip down memory lane.  On several occasions, I have come in contact with these normal, casual guys.  We're friends, it's totally chill.  I think they're cool, they have good taste in music, and their thoughts seem educated and meaningful.  Then all of a sudden, the texting stops.  The Facebook chats stop.  The random tweets stop (if they ever started).  And there's barely any social interaction at all. What gives?

I'd like to think of myself as a pretty "normal" gal.  Considering the philosophical question, of what really is normal?  I was on homecoming court. I went to prom.  I am 20 years old.  I'm in college.  Involved in a sorority.  I have plenty of friends.  I work with a local magazine and go to tons of events.  I love music.  I can take some mean photos, and I love social media.  I'd like to think I'm normal.  While I consider myself normal, I also am very unique.  I don't drink, or smoke, and am not promiscuous.   I like to read and write a lot.  I go to more concerts than I should.  And half of my wardrobe is from thrift stores, my grandma, or Goodwill.  I often times contemplate the meaning of life, and over analyze situations.  Sue me.  I wear glasses with no lenses, and have really big, long, wavy hair.  I laugh too loud, but it's always sincere.  I am passionate.  I'm genuine.  I have values, and I stick to them.  Does that make me different?  Is that scary?  Is it some sort of disease?

I have this theory that there's no way you can expect someone to love and understand you, if you can't love and understand yourself first.

It's taken me a while to really delve into this concept myself.  I'm not saying I'm the dating guru   I've actually never been on a date or had my first kiss, much less had an actual boyfriend.  Shocking?  I've been boy crazy for as long as I can remember... I remember chasing around the cutest boy in our kindergarten class on the playground.  We'd play house, and he'd always be my husband. SCORE.  As time went on, and boys caught up to my height, and then soon passed me up -- I often used the excuse that I was too busy for boys.  (keep in mind I'm inching near six foot, and boys didn't hit their growth spirt until middle school).  I was involved in basically every extracurricular and had a list of service hours a mile long.  I didn't have time for petty relationships.  As my gal pals would swoon over a new guy every few weeks in a vicious cycle, I would just sit by on the sidelines and watch.  My friends would often date these guys, causing me to be a third wheel when we'd hang out.  I'd get suckered into talking to the guys, kind of as a "wing girl."  --Maybe I watch too much How I Met Your Mother.  That's besides the point--  As my friends dated other guys, I'd end up being friends with the boys.  They were cool, and the girls would get too caught up in trying to be in a relationship.  With the labels and the love.  They were focused too much on the idea of the romance, instead of actually experiencing it.  They'd be head over heels in love with a guy, then they'd be on to the next one.  I don't know if this is true at other high schools, but I always felt like everyone just recycled gf's and bf's at our school.  Now, even in college it's rough.  There's just so many people roaming the campus.  We're all operating on different schedules and sleep patterns.  Some of us stay on campus all day, while others have jobs to work, or families to take care of.  With the use of social media, like facebook -- there really is no time to actually get to know someone.  

I resent the simpler times, the era before internet.  A time when we weren't consumed with social media, iPhones and YouTube.  A time when you actually had to pick up the phone to see what your friend in another city was doing.  Or better yet, when people wrote letters or sent postcards.  Maybe that explains my admiration of postcards.  There's something so simple and personal about a postcard.  Yet, today, all we have to do is snap a photo and send it through the inter-webs.   What happened to the times when people went out on dates?  Two people were brought together over a cup of coffee -- not to instagram it -- but to actually enjoy the company of another human being.  Things seemed so much more romantic a few decades ago.  People actually had to communicate. In person. Weird!  There was a time where two people had to have a conversation in order to find out their likes and interests.  As we enter 2013, there is no need for a conversation.  You can Google someone, and in about 10 seconds find out what they looks like, what they're listening to, and get a street view of their home.  Creepy.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE social media. It's my life.  I mean, I am going into public relations.  But I do appreciate a good conversation.  A moment.  For a short period of time -- people conversating, paying attention and really feeling.  Sitting in a room, surrounded by life, and still taking the time to really understand someone.

...Back to this curse that has been placed upon me.  I have this ability to make really great guy friends, and even if it was never going to develop into anything, they just fall off the face of the earth.  No contact.  After weeks or even months of communication -- something happens.  Who knows.  I'm not complaining about the turn of events, but I've noticed the theme.  We meet, we bond, we talk, it ends.

I warned you earlier that this was going to be girly.  I'm sorry.

I've had 20 years of getting to know and love myself.  I haven't had to depend on anyone else, I haven't been forced to chose between a hunky boyfriend and the location of my school.  I've had me, myself and I this whole time.  Although it gets lonely sometimes, it's empowering.  I can enjoy life with various amounts of people, and still come home, curl up on the couch and read a book.  I can go out with friends, meet new people, and live an exciting life.  I'm young and intelligent.  (I'm not bragging, I don't really like to talk myself up, trust me)  To know that there are still women out there like myself who care about others, live life and still are able to stay true to themselves.  It's refreshing.  So often, the media and the everyday occurrences of the 21st century leads people to believe they should act like something their not. Ahem, Catfish, anyone?  I don't care what the critics say, I like who I am.  Someday someone else will too.

And so goes the title of the blog.  One of my favorite novels as a high school teenager was The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and now, as it has been reincarnated into a film -- I still favor it.  The movie is so moving, and relatable   I balled my eyes out in appreciation. Every time.  "We accept the love we think we deserve."  It's so simple, yet so complex.  If we think we're not good enough, we will settle for a love that is not good enough.  If you live your life in the highest manner, then you will receive love in the highest manner.

Be you.  Love yourself.  And don't depend on anyone else to make you who you are.

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing... so, go live the adventure in love, loss and life.