1.6.16

I’m unmotivated and ambitious as hell, all at once, and I’m still trying to figure out how that can be. 

You hear those cliches about moments being the time of your life. How you’ve had your golden years, and everything from here on out is life and it sucks and blah blah blah. I didn’t believe it. I still don’t. But I’m beginning to kind of understand what these people were referring to. 

I find myself each and everyday waking up with the thirst to do something more, but the lack of motivation, or maybe it’s a lack of knowledge on where to start. I know that big things are expected from me. It started at a young age, people creating these expectations for me. I too expect greatness from myself. But the problem lies within the idea of what I should do and how I should do it. 

Too often I hear from my peers about their lack of happiness or satisfaction with their lives. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to join the club. I have too much to offer.  I enjoy my unconventional life, here on the island of misfit toys. 

I know I’ve ranted about this in a previous post, and IRL, but social media is a blessing and a curse. It’s a great platform to stay connected with friends thousands of miles away, or checking in on your favorite celeb, but sometimes it’s the worst at crushing your self-esteem. 

I’ve never been one to compare myself to others, but damn, does social media posts from friends sometime make you feel like you’re doing absolutely nothing with your life? I get it, social media makes everyone’s life look a little more glamorous. Filters and apps help with that. I’m guilty, we all are. 

I just don’t get how I got here. I was always so involved. Charismatic. Acting, singing, volunteering, dancing, academics, social life, philanthropic, leader, community involvement, campus involvement, etc. I made the grades, I had the connections, the ambition, the unique qualities. I thought I was destined for something other than a conglomeration of freelance work, and an abundance of hours watching Netflix under my belt. I’m not complaining. That’d be too millennial of me. Barf. I’m just a little disappointed in myself sometimes. I should have tried harder, not been so picky, taken more chances. The same could be said about my dating life. But in all seriousness, what happened? Am I the only one who feels this way? Let me answer that for you, I know I’m not. 

We’re all at different stages in our lives. And that’s okay. I embraced it a loooong time ago, but sometimes I just feel so shitty about how my life is shaping up. Don’t get me wrong, I have a great family who loves me, I have cool friends who are supportive and chill. I have jobs here and there and get to work with cool people, and in a rad city. I really cannot complain. But sometimes I explore what I think would be my dream job, and I feel so complacent. Should I give all this up? Should I try to make it big? Should I try to work at some big record label? Move to NYC or LA? I think about it sometimes. Don’t we all?

There comes a point when you have to look at what you have and what you want and settle the difference. Picture yourself in that dream job or that foreign city or with that beautiful stranger. Is it really you? Do you really want it? Or are you just giving into the pressure of society and the expectations placed on you from your peers? Is it just the idea that you enjoy, not the reality?

Honestly, I saw this quote a few months back “you were not born to pay bills and die,” and it really stuck with me. We’re here, on this planet, to live and love and that’s it. Live int he moments with the people you care about, love yourself, and all of the rest will fall into place… when that is, I don’t know, but I’ll let you know when I find out. 

How To Dress Confidently

I was once given an assignment to write on "How To Dress Yourself Thin." What really is "thin"? Is it a physical appearance, a state of mind, or some sort of measurement? Thin is subjective. Each person has their own opinion of what thin means. Don't dress to be thin, dress to be confident. 

I am no fashion expert, I wear what I like -- granted, I'm aware of the trends -- but I also am aware that a lot of trends may not fit my curves. Here are 10 tricks to keep in mind while trying to dress yourself confidently.

1. Wear what you like
   Don't worry about the latest trends, confidence is always in season. "Fashion fades, only style remains the same." -Coco Chanel
   
   
2. Don't compare yourself to othersThigh gaps and muffin tops: we're all human. One size does NOT fit all. Do not size up yourself to someone else, pun intended. Everyone has a flaw, everyone is beautiful in their own way.
   
   
3. Dress your body, not a mannequin's
   Humans aren't Barbie dolls, there are curves and imperfections involved, embrace them. Wear clothes that fit your body, your skin, your curves, your imperfections. Do not try to wear something because of a number. Don't let the size on the tag detour you from getting clothes that look great on you.
   
4. Know what colors and materials you like
   Not a fan of pink with your skin tone? Then don't wear it. Hues of colors help to make your facial features pop, or help draw attention to certain areas, be aware of that. Understand what materials fall well on your body, avoid materials that are too clingy and uncomfortable.
   
   
   
5. Collect staple items
   Signature pieces are a must. Denim and leather can go a long way. Every woman needs a great black dress for any occasion, but don't forget about a great pair of jeans. A good wardrobe contains an outfit suitable for a wedding, a funeral, a job interview, a casual day off, a night out-on-the-town ensemble, a great bathing suit, and a few other great pieces that will work for other various occasions . Incorporate signature items such as a great blazer with a fun top and a pair of staple jeans.
   
   
   
6. Take chances/express yourself
   Style is a form of expression, let your clothes express who you are and what you like. Don’t be afraid to take chances with your wardrobe. Remember that your clothes give off a first impression and help to convey who you are before you even speak.
   
    
   
7. Layers can be your best friend and your worst enemy
   Light layers are always favorable. But don't let your natural shape get too lost under copious amounts of fabric. Know your layering limits. It takes practice.
   
   
   
8. Accessorize accordingly
   Accessories are meant to compliment an outfit, do not let them distract from your beauty and your outfit. Less is often times more. There's a great motto about removing one accessory before leaving the house, just to make sure there's not too much going on with the look.
   
   
9. Highlight your assets
   What's your favorite feature about yourself? Highlight that. Understand that hemlines help to accentuate areas of the body. A great high-waisted garment can help draw attention to the waist, as do cinched waistlines and high-belted items. A great pencil skirt that hits you right above or below the knees will help to accentuate the thinnest part of your legs. If you're wanting to accentuate your breasts, choose a scoop-neck or v-neck cut, the eye will be drawn to your breasts, also helping to draw the eye to your waistline, giving the illusion of an hourglass figure.
   
   
10. Smile
    Reality television and fashion magazines tell us to be thin. But haven't you heard? You're a babe no matter what shape or size. When you feel good, you'll look even better and exude a charisma that people will swoon over. Try it! Don't squeeze into clothes that don't fit. It's tiresome and uncomfortable. Save the pain for the great shoes you'll be rocking.
    
    

It took me years to figure all of this out. I've always had my own unique style, pulling pieces from my grandma's closet and pairing them with my own modern pieces to create an interesting combination. (Yes, I had an Avril phase, you know, the whole men's tie phase? Yep, I did that. Man, middle school).  I remember the days of trying to look as cute as my "thin" friends, in their Soffe shorts.  I used to peruse the mall for hip clothes that would fit my body. Then, alas, I realized that my tall, curvy frame wasn't easy to shop for off the mannequins. That's when I stopped obsessing over trends.

Pay attention to what you like and what looks good on you, then the rest will fall into place! Style is what you make it. Embrace it. 

Head Full Of Doubt, Road Full Of Promise

As I journey my way through life, in my everyday encounters, I can feel myself creating an E! True Hollywood Story in my mind. From the shade of lipstain I decide to wear, to the people I meet, the hands I shake, and the soundtrack to the moments.  I can feel myself internally recording each moment so as to not forget it in the future.  The faces are engraved in my mind, the dreams are slowly becoming a reality, and it's time to be an adult.


I subliminally take note of the moment that I meet people, so as to store it away in a rolodex for later retrieval.  As I go to shake their hand, or hug their familiar being, I think of the possible futures we will have.  For this may be the only time we meet, it could be my next best friend, a future employer, or perhaps, just maybe, my future boyfriend or husband.  That's the cool and crazy thing about life -- we can't predict it.  Even now, as The Morning Benders' soothing vibes fill the speakers of my Mac, I cannot tell you how I will feel about this song in the future.  I cannot tell you if I will meet someone who is completely taken over by these melodies the way that I am.  The coin has been tossed, it's in the air, and who knows what side it will land on.  And that's okay.


Every so often I try to take control of these unknowns -- creating lists, handcrafting scenarios of right and wrong -- yet, I still find no answers.  I tense up, my mind swims with the endless possibilities, and I may even cry a bit.  I run to the kitchen to tell my mother of my stresses, she listens, she calms me down, and reminds me that it's okay not to know everything.  It's okay to be unsure, and to jump into a situation with your whole heart, and feel overwhelmed.   That's the beauty of the unknown  that's the beauty of life's moments.  After the calm of the worries, I dry my tears, journal a little, and then become inspired to work harder toward my goals.  That's all I can do.  For there is no magic eight ball to guide me along this path, there is no "pass go- collect 200 dollars."  This isn't the game of life, you do not roll the dice to receive your career and earnings.  Life is not that simple, it's much more fun.


So, in an instant when you're feeling lost or lonely, or just unsure of what's happening around you... stop, reflect, and breathe.  The key is to allow time to reflect.  Reflect on your day, your choices, your life, and those around you.  We will never be able to have all the answers, no one does. And you know what, that's the beauty of life -- so go out and live it! In the great words of The Avett Brothers, "Decide what to be and go be it."